How can true love be achieved

How we know true love

We live in unsteady times, fear of commitment seems like an epidemic, broken hearts are everywhere. Love is that ethereal, intangible, fleeting feeling. And it can be pretty confusing to spot and understand.

Sometimes you meet people with whom it clicks. And on all levels. Like a door with 20 locks that all open at the same time. Suddenly the feeling of love reaches another dimension, for example we instinctively feel when the other person is not doing well - even when he * she is miles away. Even after many years.

What kind of strange connection is that? Is there true love at all or is it more wishful thinking and imagination paired with a complex psychological construct of unprocessed childhood trauma?

What does love even mean here?

Yes, there are inexplicable connections between people. Experiments by US researchers have shown, for example, that in couples, heartbeat and breathing become more similar. Now that may be quite magical, but it is not in itself synonymous with true love. The romantic ideal of the one right person in the world for each of us is still widespread. If you meet the right person, you should automatically be permanently happy without any effort, because it is the right person and fits perfectly. It is logical that this leads to excessive expectations, which are then almost inevitably disappointed.

Apart from the fact that we - ideally - develop continuously and for this reason alone there are several people who fit or do not (no longer) fit so well for the respective phase in the course of a life, nothing in life is long-lasting.

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Add to this the fact that everyone has a different understanding of what love means to them. "Love is an independent force with many names, for example trust, appreciation, respect, honesty, tolerance, loyalty - to name just a few," says relationship expert Birgit Natale-Weber. It is therefore important to know yourself and to decide which of all these things is the most important thing in love for us personally; this can vary greatly from person to person.

All in all, this means: fateful predestination is nonsense, sometimes the person is right, but the timing is wrong, and if fundamental views on love are not congruent enough, it doesn't fit either. Hm. So true love is not something magical that just happens to us like in films or books. But what then?

This is how we know true love

"The sum of our experiences since birth determines our later interpretation of love," explains Birgit Natale-Weber. Dysfunctional, trauma-based relationships run without great effort because those involved follow their established patterns. Accompanying drama plus chaos and strife feel familiar. This kind of love often seems passionate enough to be filmed, but basically just builds the stage to resolve unresolved childhood conflicts. (Spoiler: does not work of course.)

True love, on the other hand, means letting go, accepting and accepting: "That is the real challenge, because through misinterpretations from childhood we unconsciously do exactly the opposite: We try to set conditions and hold on to relationships," says the relationship expert.

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In order to recognize and experience true love, the first step is to understand yourself. "In this way we gain self-confidence and self-confidence and recognize what we need for 'our love'", says Birgit Natale-Weber. This also includes the question of where we are willing to compromise and where our limits are. “Sincerity means standing by yourself and your values,” says the relationship expert. That also means saying no when these limits are violated.

In the next step, looking at the partner, the question arises: Do we have the same values ​​when it comes to love or do we differ so much that there is too much friction in the long run? And thirdly: Do I love him * her even when he * she doesn't work the way I imagine it would?

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According to Birgit Natale-Weber, whether we ourselves are truly loved can be seen, among other things, from genuine interest, appreciation and respect. Those who love give enough space, take the other seriously at eye level, are interested in the person and look for solutions and compromises together.

"If I have to adapt too often, however, it is usually not about mutual eye-level, but rather serves to satisfy my own needs," says the expert. “Something like this often happens in the subconscious and can be uncovered through a conversation. But only if the partner allows it. ”In other words: Both must want to work on themselves and their relationship.

Work instead of power games

True love gives strength; Trauma-based relationships, on the other hand, are limiting and stealing energy. Anyone who behaves ambivalently and, for example, always lets the other dangle a bit in uncertainty, does not nourish the heart, but lets it bleed to death. True love is not about power games.

It means continuous work, constant reflection, again and again the conscious decision for it and thus against many other things. It can withstand change because the basis is right. True love does not mean longing for the other and not being able to think of anything else. True love helps lead a more stable, fulfilling life; it means mutual support and stability in this unsteady world. Yes, that may sound less passionate. But no less romantic.