What do you regret telling your mother?
"I regret becoming a mother"
Since I was a little girl, one thing has been clear to me: one day I'll be a mom too. Of course, I haven't really thought about it yet, but somehow it was clear: girls or women will become mothers at some point. There was a time later when I wondered if I really wanted to have children. In the end it turned out to be two, and I'm very happy that I made that decision.
However, this is not the case for every woman. Some have children and later regret it. Just like Alina (real name is known to us) from our community. She has two young children and would like to turn back time. Because deep in her heart she regrets becoming a mother. She told us her story:
“I have two children, a boy and a girl
To get one thing straight: I love my children. They are wild, sassy and really wonderful. And yet I wish I had never got it. I know you now think I'm 'terrible', 'selfish', or 'ungrateful'. And it is precisely these thoughts that are the reason why I could not and did not want to admit it to myself for a long time. This dichotomy between the love for my children and the wish never to have had them still breaks my heart regularly today.
For as long as I can remember, I've been taught that someday I want to be a mother
I believed it myself and put aside all faint doubts. And now I'm sitting here feeling bad I feel bad because I have children whom, in retrospect, I would rather not have had. And at the same time, I have an incredibly guilty conscience towards my children. It took a very, very long time before I could accept my feelings myself. But they are there now.
I got married very young and became a mother very young. When the others around me went out to party when they were in their early twenties and enjoyed their lives, I was pregnant. I've never been abroad. I didn't graduate until I was over 30.
Not a day goes by that I don't look out the window and think about 'what would have happened if ...'
I have studied the subject of sterilization a lot, both for men and women. It struck me that Women are often told that they would regret for some days if they did not have children. Women who do not want to have children are often described as selfish, and there is often even the assumption that they are sterile.
If a woman does not marry and have no children, sooner or later the question arises as to what is wrong with her. Can't she find a man who can take her? Can the poor have no children at all? Doesn't the woman's biological clock tick at some point?
What's the nonsense ?!
Children are not fulfilling for every woman
I also wanted to find out more about sterilization from my gynecologist. And what is she doing? Instead of factually explaining it to me, she tries to dissuade me. She lists what feels like 78 other contraceptive methods that do not affect my fertility. And then - how could it be otherwise - she explains to me that I will definitely regret it at some point if I don't have children.
But do you know what nobody tells you?
That you can regret it IF you have children. Because they can really push you to your limits physically, emotionally and financially. With kids, it's incredibly difficult to save money, go on vacation, have sex with your partner - and even shopping in the supermarket becomes a challenge.
In addition, in my case, my children have special needs, at least one of them. My son has ADHD. Unfortunately, my husband is not doing well either, he is struggling with depression and panic attacks. My daughter is 'healthy', but of course she suffers from other people's illnesses.
I can't remember the last time we went shopping in peace without a lot of shouting and tons of tears. And that's really exhausting in the long run.
My husband and I haven't been to the movies or to dinner in ages
We didn't go out for a coffee or stroll through our beloved flea markets. Our last real 'date' was actually over 7 years ago.
On the other hand, I have countless Spent hours talking on the phone with my children's educators and teachers. About how the two behave in daycare or school. I spent at least as many hours with doctors and in the emergency roombecause one of them was sick or my son's medication had to be reset.
While other women are completely absorbed in being a mother, I am drowning in it
And as I write this, I am deeply ashamed of the feeling.
'This is just a phase', 'You need more patience', 'You just need a lot of love and closeness', 'It gets better when you are older' - I just can't hear it anymore.
Once again very clearly: Yes, I love my children, very much indeed. Because I am her mother and gave birth to her. But if I had the opportunity to turn back time now, I wouldn't get it.
And to all mothers who feel the same way:
It's okay to regret having children
Nobody told us we could regret it. Society expects us women to be self-sacrificing, selfless and motherly. We are not even allowed to think about ourselves, the children always come first - and of course the partner.
It is urgently time to change these expectations! Women should know that they can be happy even without children. Partners, friends, careers, hobbies, all of these can be really fulfilling. And you can live a happy life - even if you don't want children.
Children are not the only great goal in a woman's life, nor are they her only fulfillment
We can be just as happy without becoming a mother. So please, stop telling us that all the time and from all sides. "
Thank you, dear Alina, for your honest words.
What do you think about it: Can you understand the thoughts, or are you completely absorbed in being a mother? Tell us your opinion in the comments or discuss with other mothers in our Facebook group "We are Real Mamas"
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